Saturday, July 24, 2004
Emotional Availability
Well ... looks like the summer romance didn't quite hold out for the summer. But then again, it kinda got started before summer really began, so I guess the duration woulda been the same. An early warning that this is gonna be some "raw rambling". Truthfully ... how important are all the details ... not very, but at this point, at least it's an entrance.
I admit going in, that I am feeling very needy and fragile these days. A combination of things, I suppose. Lots to do with reserving my energy for the home visit, and some, I'm sure, from this relationship thing. Jamaica Man calls last PM, 9ish, like everything's OK. We had sketchy plans that he would come up this weekend, possibly Friday PM. (This weekend is most likely the last chance we will have time to spend together before I leave for MT, unless I do some creative planning.) In my mind, I'm thinking that he will call earlier and let me know his plans. I don't know if he plans to join me for dinner, but decide not to be too concerned ... since it's Friday, perhaps he'll bring up jerk BBQ. So by 9ish, I had realized that dinner together probably wasn't in the plans ... no big deal, but he could have at least called to let me know that. Of course, he couldn't understand why I hadn't called him if I wanted to know when he was coming. Anyway ... I was not too warm when he called to say that he could be up in a little while. So the important points here I guess are:
1) I am feeling the need for some definition in this relationship, and
2) I sometimes need to be the needy one ... I have been very patient and understanding and giving, etc., etc. (He does agree and says that he sometimes feels like his heart is missing and he does not deserve someone like me in his life.), but I am starting to run low.
3) Relationships bring up all kinds of stuff. I well understand this. That's why I wanted to go this route again ... for the growth ... but I need some help here.
So I basically say some of this stuff and he says that maybe we need a break or perhaps he should call or come up in the AM. Serious communication with this man is hard work. There have been times when he has opened up, only to be followed by periods of moodiness again.
I do not try to persuade him any differently at this point. I am tired and basically tell him that my patience with him is running low.
Consequently, I do not sleep well and decide to get up and take a bath. At about 7:30 AM, he calls to say that he is on his way up. We go walk and have lunch at the local Caribbean restaurant, which isn't that great. I am still not feeling too warm and fuzzy and he makes no attempt to further clarify anything. I do not have the energy to do all the work in this relationship today. I've been on the verge of tears all AM, and since listening to old Neal Diamond tunes on the way home, it's all I can do to maintain. I go upstairs to lie down, hoping that maybe he'll follow me eventually ... he's out on the porch reading the newspaper. Sometimes, one can be lonelier in the presence of someone, than alone ... this is one of those times. I call Lesbian Girlfriend and pour out my heart. (She works as a volunteer counselor, and though I often don't intend to spill my guts, she's such a great listener and I usually end up doing so.) I don't know how long we talk, but I do feel better and when I came back downstairs, both Jamaica Man and his vehicle are gone. I have no idea if he called to me before leaving or whether he heard me talking on the phone. At this point, it really does not matter.
I have no idea where from here ...
What I do know is that his lack of emotional availability was wearing on me. I also question the fact that I am getting ready to leave on vacation, and 'have some old relationship issues regarding abandonment ... Exhusband traveled a lot and ended up having a whole other life and wife ... KB had lost his father in an auto accident as a child, and 'never was comfortable with my traveling. Did the controlling part of me, somehow have to mess this up, so that something was askew before I left?
Since all this happened, I've cried my eyes out and gone to the movies.
Well ... looks like the summer romance didn't quite hold out for the summer. But then again, it kinda got started before summer really began, so I guess the duration woulda been the same. An early warning that this is gonna be some "raw rambling". Truthfully ... how important are all the details ... not very, but at this point, at least it's an entrance.
I admit going in, that I am feeling very needy and fragile these days. A combination of things, I suppose. Lots to do with reserving my energy for the home visit, and some, I'm sure, from this relationship thing. Jamaica Man calls last PM, 9ish, like everything's OK. We had sketchy plans that he would come up this weekend, possibly Friday PM. (This weekend is most likely the last chance we will have time to spend together before I leave for MT, unless I do some creative planning.) In my mind, I'm thinking that he will call earlier and let me know his plans. I don't know if he plans to join me for dinner, but decide not to be too concerned ... since it's Friday, perhaps he'll bring up jerk BBQ. So by 9ish, I had realized that dinner together probably wasn't in the plans ... no big deal, but he could have at least called to let me know that. Of course, he couldn't understand why I hadn't called him if I wanted to know when he was coming. Anyway ... I was not too warm when he called to say that he could be up in a little while. So the important points here I guess are:
1) I am feeling the need for some definition in this relationship, and
2) I sometimes need to be the needy one ... I have been very patient and understanding and giving, etc., etc. (He does agree and says that he sometimes feels like his heart is missing and he does not deserve someone like me in his life.), but I am starting to run low.
3) Relationships bring up all kinds of stuff. I well understand this. That's why I wanted to go this route again ... for the growth ... but I need some help here.
So I basically say some of this stuff and he says that maybe we need a break or perhaps he should call or come up in the AM. Serious communication with this man is hard work. There have been times when he has opened up, only to be followed by periods of moodiness again.
I do not try to persuade him any differently at this point. I am tired and basically tell him that my patience with him is running low.
Consequently, I do not sleep well and decide to get up and take a bath. At about 7:30 AM, he calls to say that he is on his way up. We go walk and have lunch at the local Caribbean restaurant, which isn't that great. I am still not feeling too warm and fuzzy and he makes no attempt to further clarify anything. I do not have the energy to do all the work in this relationship today. I've been on the verge of tears all AM, and since listening to old Neal Diamond tunes on the way home, it's all I can do to maintain. I go upstairs to lie down, hoping that maybe he'll follow me eventually ... he's out on the porch reading the newspaper. Sometimes, one can be lonelier in the presence of someone, than alone ... this is one of those times. I call Lesbian Girlfriend and pour out my heart. (She works as a volunteer counselor, and though I often don't intend to spill my guts, she's such a great listener and I usually end up doing so.) I don't know how long we talk, but I do feel better and when I came back downstairs, both Jamaica Man and his vehicle are gone. I have no idea if he called to me before leaving or whether he heard me talking on the phone. At this point, it really does not matter.
I have no idea where from here ...
What I do know is that his lack of emotional availability was wearing on me. I also question the fact that I am getting ready to leave on vacation, and 'have some old relationship issues regarding abandonment ... Exhusband traveled a lot and ended up having a whole other life and wife ... KB had lost his father in an auto accident as a child, and 'never was comfortable with my traveling. Did the controlling part of me, somehow have to mess this up, so that something was askew before I left?
Since all this happened, I've cried my eyes out and gone to the movies.
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